Hate "The Game" and the playas

Ok, I admit I have neglected this blog yet again. I see it like a waffle maker, seems like a great idea at the time, but before you know it, it's consigned to the back of the cupboard along with the other shit fat-creating contraptions, such as the ice cream machine and the rotating deep fat fryer.

(I don't own any of these things. My kitchen is too small for a cupboard of appliances. My George Foreman grill is perched on top of my fridge and my pots and pans are arranged on shelves like precarious culinary Jenga.)

I've been working, gigging and nosing at the terrifying prospect of the London housing market. The closer to Big Ben you get, the smaller the dwelling you consider. I calculated that I could get a 4 bedroom detached house in the Midlands for the price of a kennel in Surbiton.

Still, wouldn't take long to vac? Every cloud… (has a house underneath it that I can't afford.)

Today I came across an excerpt from a book called, The Game. It was on http://uk.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_100/145b_dating_list.html, quite how I ended up here I can't even remember, my man is out of the house right now so maybe I was considering my options?

Highly unlikely, it's more likely that I went to askmen.com cos I wanted to chat about motorways and A roads.

The article was, Top 10: Pickup Methods

Alright, let's have it.

Number 10

Smile when you walk into a room

See the group with the target and follow the three-second rule. Do not hesitate — approach instantly.

Target? Are you planning to kill her? What's this about the three-second rule? Are you going to fling food on the floor, scoop it up hurriedly and eat it to impress your victim?

Do not hesitate, I agree with that. No-one likes a ditherer.

Number 9

The opener should open the group, not just the target

When talking, ignore the target for the most part. If there are men in the group, focus your attention on the men.

Yes, focus your attention on the men. Gotta admit, this does work. Gives the girls time to check you out on the sly without you being a moth to a flaming bush.

Number 8

Neg the target

Neg the target with one of the slew of negs we’ve come up with. Tell her, “It’s so cute. Your nose wiggles when you laugh.” Then get her friends to notice and laugh about it.

Neg the target? Neglect your potential murder victim? Eh?

Tell her, “It’s so cute. Your nose wiggles when you laugh.” - Er no, that's an instant, "you're in the wanker drawer mate."

If a guy said that to me I'd say, "You're lying. My nose does not wiggle when I laugh but my nostrils do flare when I detect bullshit."

Number 7

Convey personality to the entire group

Do this by using stories, magic, anecdotes, and humor. Pay particular attention to the men and less attractive women. During this time, the target will notice that you are the center of attention. You may perform various memorized pieces like the photo routine, but only for the obstacles.

[The photo routine involves carrying an envelope of photos in a jacket pocket, as if they’ve just been developed. Each photo, however, is preselected to convey a different aspect of the PUA (Pickup Artist)’s personality, such as images of the PUA with beautiful women, with children, with pets, with celebrities, goofing off with friends, and doing something active like roller-blading or skydiving. The PUA should also have a short, witty story to accompany each photo.]

Hmm, if you came up to my group of mates and started blathering on about yourself and popping out magic tricks, I'd think, wanker. If you are paying that much attention to the guys, I'd begin to think you were not interested in women.

The photo routine, holy shit. So you're gonna waltz into my group of mates, start talking about yourself, doing magic, then you crack out a load of printed photos of yourself? Jeeeeesus, it's tedious enough when someone starts showing pics on their phone, let alone actually printing them and carrying them around with you? You want to show women pictures of you roller-blading? She will definitely think you're gay. And self-obsessed. Stop talking about yourself so much.

Number 6

Ask the group, “So, how does everyone know each other?”

If the target is with one of the guys, find out how long they’ve been together. If it’s a serious relationship, eject politely by saying, “Pleasure meeting you.”

What’s the FMAC model? What on earth does “neg” mean? Find out in the pickup artist glossary…

Find out long they've been together. Wow, what a piece of work. What's the timescale for serious? Do you check your watch, after you've put away your bloody hang-gliding photos and hamster selfies, not to mention the sodding magic wand and tarot cards?

Number 5

Ask permission to take her away from the group

If she is not spoken for, say to the group, “I’ve sort of been alienating your friend. Is it alright if I speak to her for a couple of minutes?” They always say, “Uh, sure. If it’s okay with her.” If you’ve executed the preceding steps correctly, she will agree.

What the actual fuck, does this really work? Seriously? My mates would be in bits if some tosser came wobbling in on a unicycle, juggling flaming bottles and boring us to tears with his Kodak moments.

"I've sort of been alienating your friend"? So what, now you need to speak to her alone to give her ample talking minutes all to herself to get her in line with the rest of the group? What a festering load this is.

Number 4

Hold her hand

Isolate her from the group by telling her you want to show her something cool. Take her to sit with you nearby. As you lead her through the crowd, do a kino test by holding her hand. If she squeezes back, it’s on. Start looking for other IOIs.

Hold her hand? You've just been ignoring her you bizarre, rejected circus performer. Put the Snappy Snaps wallet away and abandon this ridiculous plan. You would have been better off chatting to her a little, then talking to the others again. Then she'd be acknowledged but not on the back foot cos you came on too strong.

And you want to show her something cool? You haven't demonstrated anything cool so far, so this had better be good.

Number 3

Ask her about her qualities

Tell her, “Beauty is common but what’s rare is a great energy and outlook on life. Tell me, what do you have inside that would make me want to know you as more than a mere face in the crowd?” If she begins to list qualities, this is a positive IOI.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Forget this woman, because right now she probably just keeled over with a cringe so hard, she thought she had a stroke.

This is not a pick up method, this is, "How to be remembered as that creepy wank stain who talked utter bollocks about beauty and energy and made you throw up on your shoes."

Number 2

Stop talking

Does she reinitiate the chat with a question that begins with the word “So?” If she does, you’ve now seen three IOIs and can…

I would, I'd say, "Sooo…. why are you such a cunt?"

IOI? What is that? IOI? I I I would call a taxi...

IOI… maybe I am just hungry but I keep looking at IOI and now I see an empty plate with chopsticks either side. IOI.

OK, I had to head to the glossary for this one.

IOI — noun [indicator of interest]: a sign a woman gives a man that indirectly reveals she is attracted to or interested in him. These clues, generally unintentional and subtle, include leaning toward a man when he speaks, asking mundane questions to keep a conversation going or squeezing his hand when he takes her hand in his.

Hmmm, lots of people ask mundane questions to keep a conversation going, often because they're cripplingly lonely or excruciatingly boring. In this case, it may just be a delaying tactic as she has probably twigged that you're a serial killer.

Number 1

Kiss close

Say, out of the blue, “Would you like to kiss me?” If the setting or circumstances aren’t conducive to physical intimacy, then give yourself a time constraint by saying, “I have to go, but we should continue this.” Then get her number and leave.

Well fuck me sideways, now I've heard it all.

Say, out of the blue, “Would you like to kiss me?”

I honestly can't imagine any woman I know going for this. My immediate response would be, "No but I'd love to don a medieval spiked helmet and nut you." What kind of pretentious Wankenstein beast are you?

“Would you like to kiss me?”

Would you like to kiss my arse? This is just horrible, tacky, wrong and nauseating. Perform one last magic trick and disappear up your own arsehole.

Glossary

FMAC — noun [find, meet, attract, close]: a rudimentary sequential model of pickup.

Kino — verb: to touch or be touched, generally with suggestive intent or the purpose of arousal, such as hair-stroking, hand-holding or hip-grabbing; precedes actual sexual contact.

Kiss close — 1. verb: to kiss or make out, with passion. 2. noun: a passionate kiss or makeout.

Neg — 1. noun: an ambiguous statement or seemingly accidental insult delivered to a beautiful woman a pickup artist has just met, with the intent of actively demonstrating to her (or her friends) a lack of interest in her. For example: “Those are nice nails; are they real?” 2. verb: to actively demonstrate a lack of interest in a beautiful woman by making an ambiguous statement, insulting her in a way that appears accidental, or offering constructive criticism.

Phew. There we go, that feels better. Top 10: Pickup Methods, it certainly wasn't what I expected. To me, it's 10 Tips to Spot a Tosspot.